what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
