That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
