i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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