Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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