last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
