just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
