I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
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couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
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You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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