i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
