I just made out with a guy for $7.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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