I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
