A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
