you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
