OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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