so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
