if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
