My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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