She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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