he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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