I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
