I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
