I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
As shirtless as possible
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
