Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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