where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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