all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
