Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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