"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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