I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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