Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
