Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
