I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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