She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
i need some magic done to my vagina
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
