I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
