Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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