i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he fucked my hip out of place.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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