The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
