a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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