I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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