So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
