google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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