You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
