i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
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Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
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I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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