Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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