i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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