oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
