The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
