wanna go halves on a baby?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
How does one acquire holy water?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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