She went from zero to smokin in five shots
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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