I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
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