I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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