when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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