wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
