maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
