Cold hands, warm shart.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
