I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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